nights

I fucking hate the nights. Fetal position. What can I do? I know that moving around will make me feel better. I have to find something to do. I’m getting cold.

Saturday afternoon, still don’t know the date. Its mid afternoon and it’s warm outside. I’m still so fucking bored.

Waiting. Running through my head. 12:29pm. I’m listening to the radio. I can’t fucking move.

WHITE

CHRISTMAS

FUCK

saturday morning

It’s the early hours of Saturday morning somewhere in November 2002.

I’m craving again; all I can think of is scoring some smack. It’s a full time occupation, when I wasn’t scoring I was sleeping or working. Scoring took up most of my time. I just want to feel the happy numbness of nothing, nothing, happy existence.

I’m so fucking bored again. This will go on for a while, total and complete lack of interest in anything whatsoever, except the obvious and that’s all I think about.

WHITE. THAI. I think I fucking hate white, maybe red. I’m so fucking bored. I should try keeping myself busy. Jeff gave me a tape on Tuesday, so I thought pretty cool something to do but the tape didn’t work. I had to listen to the radio, sucked, of course. I gave the tape back to Jeff today, they don’t work sucks, thought I’d have some monotonous mind numbing music to listen to. I don’t think anything could ever be as numbing as the smack.

I’m getting cold but it’s about 30 degrees outside, I think it’s about 10pm.

somewhere november 2002

Still Friday. I would love a bottle of Jack Daniels right now. What the fuck to do?

I need a cell.

Suffer ye the little children.

Friday evening.

I don’t know anymore if it’s Friday. It might be Saturday. I fell asleep. I think I slept. I don’t feel to bad. I’m still so fucking bored. I need something to do. I still can’t think straight. I think it’s day 6 today.

Last time I was having convulsions in hospital before I went to rehab. Again I don’t remember much but I remember being on a drip I couldn’t sleep for about 10 days. I remember blood all over my clothes. I remember being on a lot of medication. Every time it gets worse. I still need to be taken off the medication.